Why is this so hard?
I have spent the last year on a weight loss journey.. I haven’t loss much..in fact The scales are tipping forward alot lately…and I AM TRYING TO LOSE! I have been sick for over 6 weeks with Upper resportorary infection and Broncotis…cough..cough..cough.. I have just finished my second round of steriods and antibiotics…UGH! And as we all know..steriods can make you gain weight.. great..just what I need…
And it has stayed true to its hype… weight gain..which is really freaking me out..cuz I am hardly eating!!! Doc saus its ok..its the steriods..NO it isn’t .. I still have to get it back off!!!! fOR SOME REASON IT HAS REALLY BOTHERED ME TO PUT THIS MEDICINE WEIGHT ON! I hate it!
So today..I have had ..a epiphany….about life and me…and my weight..I have come to the realization that I need to get my shit together…on this subject matter of weight loss..and just do it!
At almost 60 years old..I am headed on a slippy slide..that is headed one way ..and that is DOWN…as down in the ground 6 feet under! yes…I am basicly as healthy as someone can be for my weight..yes I am obese..and I don’t have diabetisc..high blood pressure…heart diease..high chloseterrall..so far I am lucky…but I have bad knees..yes one knee replacement..and another not to far in my future..knees.. they can’t seem to go there stuff these days.. and one bad knee was bad enough..now I have two..I limp..and my hip hearts from the adjustment for my bad knee… also I do less and less..cause Of my bad knee.. I have been laid off from work 2 1/3 years..with no job prospective in site.. I can’t do just anyjob.. like when I was younger..cuz I can’t stand for long periods of time.. I need a desk job.. but I find that people look at my age 57.. and weight.. obese..so I even hate to go look for a job..
today I can to the realization that I am harvesting a huge circle that is becomming neverending…i can’t get a job.. I have no money.. I have no insurance..I do nothing..but sit around the house.. cause I have no money to do anything…which means I eat.. sleep and eat..sleep..eat..sleep..which means I am getting fatter and fatter.. and still have NO job.. NO MONEY..and NO life..but I am getting fatter…
I have to put a stop to this right now.. this is not the life I want for me.. I don’t want to live life on the sidelines.. I want to live it to the fullest.. I want to be able to live to see my grandchildren.. I want to play with my grandchildren..I want to live..period
at this rate.. I will die way before my time..I have to stop the madness now.. the addiction..just like alcohol or drugs.. food has become my addiction of choice.. it’s right here in front of me for the taking.. watch me.. as i enjoy killing myself righ before my loved ones eyes..each bite I take is a nail in my oversized coffin..each meal.. each snack.. each bite is one day closer to dying..I do not want to die at my own hands.. yet this is what I do.. this is what I am doing to myself.I am tired of taking one step forward and three steps back..I am tired of thinking ..when my next meal is coming..I am tired of not being the person I am fooling myself to think that I am..I am n othing short of a Drunk..a Druggie.. a fool..a fool to think I have this under control.. I don’t have it under control…it STOPS now.. I am not sure how I am going to achive this. .I am not sure what I am to do next..but I will make a appointment for my Doctor and talk with him.. about steps to take..I am ready to make a change.. I am ready to do this..
Many things swirl through my mind.. I need to come to grips with changes in my life.. right now today..
I know it will be difficult with the bad knees.. but I have to do it.. right now I stopped and moved my gazzell into the living room.. I took the time to walk one mile.. it wasn’t easy…damn knee… but that is one mile further than I went yesterday.. and I have a goal..of two miles a day..increasing as I am able.. two miles is better than what I walked yesterday… right?
Change #2 Food log.. I need to see when I eat..what I eat..and my feeling when I am eating..do I eat cuz ..I am boared.. feeling blue.hungry.. or just to eat??? What am I eating .. what should I be eating..do I need a stike diet.. of the same thing everyday.. or do I want calorie counting.. point counting? I have to learn to eat to live.. not live to eat
I think I will talk to a nutritionist.. if I can find one..on the cheap.. maybe she can give me some insite…that I don’t seem to have..yes, I think that would be good.
learning to live with my addiction is not going to be easy. .but something I must do.. I think knowing I have a problem is the first step in the right direction, right?
I want this more than anything.. I want to grow old.. I want to be healthy for myself and my family… I need this.. to live..I can do this…with some help..meetings maybe? I will be writting intesively about my addiction to food journey…please come share your support..